I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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