I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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