when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
