My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
