drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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