i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
