One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
