he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Randomize
