I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
