god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
