I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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