in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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