She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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