hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
