He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
