Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Someone shattered a urinal.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I am naked and annoyed.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
