i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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