Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
