my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Randomize