Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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