His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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