The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
