I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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