I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
