life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
