Just mADE A PArabola og urine
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
