I feel great
I just peed on a car
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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