Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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