I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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