I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
