You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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