Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
