the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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