ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
