if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
