Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm just crazy horny about you
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
