omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
my poor anus
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
