i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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