I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
