I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
