I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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