The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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