Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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