i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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