I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
