I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
