Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
