first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
