What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
