Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
