so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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