Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
