hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
This house was built for laser tag.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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