He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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