Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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