I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
