there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
