Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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