I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
