my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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