I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
