Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
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