Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
