not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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