Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Girls should come with a carfax report
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
