We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize