My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
