Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
