I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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