Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
