Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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