I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Someone stole a lamp last night.
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